Immigration Alabama Style

Armadillos in Alabama

Awoke to find these creatures trespassing and vandalizing my lawn.

Everyday something happens that you don’t expect. When I started this blog, I said a little prayer that if it was meant to be then give me something to inspire me. The Lord, or The Big It in the Universe or what ever sustains you, has not let me down! Today when I awoke, grazing right in my yard was the inspiration of the day…. Four armadillos, munching right there on my St. Augustine!!

This is Alabama folks. Armadillos are not native here. They started arriving a few years ago from Mexico by way of Louisiana and Texas. I’ve seen them along the side of highways, but never in my yard and never the numbers I witnessed today. What is this world coming to? We are being taken over by these un-native transplants looking for a bit of tasty food. Thank goodness they eat grubs and not the lush blades of grass my husband has manicured over the years. Everyone told him,” you can’t get St. Augustine to grow here, too far North, you have to plant zoysia or centipede.” Really? Guess we proved the critics wrong on that one… notice the lovely lawn!

What was I to learn from the encounter with the armadillos? Was it important to Google and find out that if they were pests? Was it important to find the right traps to capture the crittters? Just what was I suppose to do? Then it hit me like a spicy, Mexican enchilada. I should call Scott Beason. He knows a thing or two about keeping illegal aliens (his terminology not mine) out of Alabama. He and Jan Brewer see things about the same, maybe he could ask her. In fact he is an expert of the issue of immigration. A foolish one, but who is counting, I had a problem.

Ok, I did not want to interrupt a busy legislative, creosote, scholar like Scott Beason to ask him how to get rid of my armadillos, so I decided to look up his words of wisdom and see if any applied. Here is what I found. From this clip I figure, I better be very clear when I try to identify the group. Don’t want to get my scientific identification wrong,”Aborigines” is out, thank goodness. Evidently, “emptying the clip” is not acceptable either. Whew! Thank goodness, because I am for gun control. Machine guns just don’t seem good sport against a bunch of unarmed armadillos. It seemed Christian of me to share my findings with you, and since I was raised to play fair, I am giving you the interview AFTER he had a chance to RETHINK his remarks. I’ll save my editorial input because I want you to decide if he is a self-serving jerk or not. I know what I believe. Here is the PBS interview  link  http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/2011/10/alas-sen-beason-on-aborigines-the-clip.html.

That helped. However, I still am unsure how I round the poor guys up. Let me see if I can find something. give me a second….

That was easy!?! Got quote from Al.com that linked the Washington Post article where Scott was quoted after Obama made his speech,

“All our activities will be for naught if the president grants amnesty to everyone,” State Sen. Scott Beason, the bill’s co-sponsor, told The Washington Post on Friday.”

Then, I found another quote from the Washington Post, a quote Scott offered after the SCOTUS handed down its ruling,

“Alabama state Sen. Scott Beason, the state law’s sponsor, said he was “very pleased” that the high court upheld state police powers, but disappointed and confused by parts of the ruling that forbid states from making it a crime for immigrants to be in the state without proper documents.

“I think the court made the issue as clear as mud,” Beason said.”

Oh my, looks like Scott didn’t get all the toys he wanted for Christmas, he just got the most powerful one, the one that will put your butt in jail if you happen to have brown skin and someone happens beats you to a pulp and you decide to call the police.

Based on the ruling and Scott’s interpretation, I think I might be ok to kick the armadillo family out of my yard. I certainly don’t have to feel bad about it.  They are not native. They are not homegrown. They do not add to the economy. They are eating up our grubs and putting pesticide companies out of work. How dare them? They are infringing on the rights of corporations to pollute the environment for the sake of profit. Come on, corporations got rights too! I need to be kind to corporate bigwigs, they need more of my tax dollars to fund their lovely lifestyle. They send our high paying jobs and benefits overseas, put their profits in oversea banks, and fund our presidential campaigns. They are GOOD , GOD  FEARING  Corporate Citizens. My armadillos are ugly with their sweaty, crumply, shells, their unusual faces and odd habits of rolling into a ball. I guess they exhibit that behavior because I have seen cartoons and that is always how they are depicted. I guess my armadillos are too horrible to stay in Alabama.

That leaves me with no choice, I am going to trap those suckers in humane live cages and deport them to Tennessee! Maybe I might even haul a few to Washington, D.C. Let them deal with ‘um, they are not welcome in Alabama, we have a history of exclusivity. Don’t want to ruin our reputation.

If my satire failed to get my message across. Let me say, I completely disagree with Scott Beason and Jan Brewer. In my mind, if someone wants to be an American, then they should be allowed in this country and live a good and happy life. The un-American ones to me are the Scott Beasons, Jan Brewers, and Sheriff Joe Arpaios. Let’s deport them…along with my armadillos!!!

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