Look, Mitt. Feel free to pay me 1/3 of what you are shelling out for your campaign advisors and I can guaaaarrrrrantee you I can do a better job!!! Trust me. I may never vote for you, but I sure can do a better job that the BOZOs running things now. I have experience. When I was a young twenty something I helped campaigns and guess what …they WON. Because I know how to connect to people. Give me a grocery store and car wash place and I can produce voters. I can design ads for TV and Internet. Heck , I have only been doing this blog for a couple of months and I have readers from all over the world. I am not even running for office but I can make my crazy ultra-religious relatives entertaining. ( By the way folks, remind me to tell you about the time we went to dinner with them and they made us hold hands and pray over tacos…all the while they were wearing Laura Ingles Wilder‘s latest prairie sportswear and hairdo’s. I can’t take it , I’m laughing now thinking about it). But seriously Mittens, you need a chemical make-over if you think those yahoos are helping you win voters.
I woke up today and saw where that poor, hot-flash-suffering , Ann Coulter was screaming and calling Obama’s base, “Stupid single women.” That tirade by that flame throwing hinney singe(r) is POLITICALLY STUPID, and you are free to quote me on it. Consider it my first one free bit of advice you are going to get. The next pearls of wisdom are gonna cost you. Ok, Mittster, you went to all those private boarding schools and learned a thing or two about cutting poor defenseless kids’ hair, but did those schools forget to teach you the difference between Sheik and Sikh? Surely, you can blame that twice-in-one speech flub on some dumb-ass advisor that failed to give you proper info. Offer them the termination package your friend Donald uses all the time, “You’re Fired.” And that chick that said on FOX your “greatest accomplishment was Romneycare” needs to be away from TV. Might I suggest letting her be the “Chairgirl of Serving ICED TEA.” Wink, Wink. See how clever that little job demotion/ promotion works to soothe feathers. If she excels, promote her to “Cookies” but be real careful about the job description.
Who in the heck puts your commercial’s together. My Scottish Terriers can make better quality videos than your bunch. Hell, my Scotties can star in them and get you some points back from that PETA and ASPCA group. My Mom has a dog that is blind and can sing like Stevie Wonder; She is yours for the asking. There you go, pets, disabilities and neutered or is that NEWTERED all in one commercial. They can’t be any worse that the one’s your group is offering up.
As for taxes, you are sunk on that one. Whoever, advised you to play stubborn is going to get you a big fat loss in the audit column on that financial spread sheet you have in the Cayman Islands. Dumb as dumb can be. Turn the tax returns over and beg for mercy. Four days of grief and it would be over. UNLESS, you are afraid that you might end up sharing some time-share condo with Bernie Madoff. What is in those returns that would be so bad? Already some folks are saying, and I must admit the proof looks pretty convoluted but accurate none the less, that your Bain startup was first funded by families from El Salvador who were also committed to death squads. You have got to address that one.
Maybe you are thin-skinned-modest and don’t want people to know how much you deducted for your religious underwear, but you got to put it out there. I think you need to play up the magic part of the undies. Everyone loves a magic show. Mormons gotta have the market on holy drawers ’cause I have never seen them at Target or GAP where I buy all my undies. Now, thoooossseee retail outlets knowwww how to market clothes. During the holidays, you can get panties and bras in the cutest reindeer and snowflake patterns you have ever seen but I have never seen magic drawers. That makes me wonder, do you wear a full body suit of holy undergarments ? Cause if you do, let me suggest SPANX, they will definitely reduce your bloated budget and you’ll be sporting a reduced deficit bulge instantly, you can probably shave ten trillion off and be svelte and urbane before you know it. Maybe you already know about Spanx because you do always have that stiff-can’t-breath look. I thought it was because some campaign advisor was telling you to look all folksy. Again, they missed the mark. I am telling you, you need to fire those Ivy League, Wall Street gurus you got there and hire me.
You know when you are in trouble , when my Republican friend of 26 years tells me she thinks you suck. She called me yesterday, just crying and begging me not to make anymore fun of the dim wits you Republicans have as candidates. She apologized for the whole party. I told her , “Honey, I love you. But…No Go. I haven’t had this much fun since the last idiot barking Republican drivel, Sarah Palin came into my world.” She starting sobbing louder and then let the most painful wail I have ever heard, ” Obama Care might not be so bad after all, PLEASE. I give, no more, I can’t take it. Have some mercy.” I soothed her crying ever so slightly and comforted her by saying, “At least you still have Chic a flack.” She broke down again.
It is time, Millard, you need to make a change. You need to give a new meaning to flip-flopping. Use it to your advantage. It is summer clearance time at GAP, those flip-flops are reduced. Make it your new campaign slogan…. “I know the CEO of GAP; I might have even bought and sold that company once before, I made it what it is today. That is why I can tell you, I know flip-flops. I sell them.” See, just that easy, GAP sales increase, underwear rides up the profit margin, and you win the hearts and panties of America. And you thought we were stupid. Hahahaha!